learning love.

"I write about love and such.
Maybe 'cause I want it so much.
I'm not who I was."
-Brandon Heath

I'm not going to write it again. I have written: "I want to be loved, but I want God more" a hundred times. Do I? Really? I say that I want to deny myself, but every time I must I am afraid. I ache. Lord, satisfy me with your will. Satisfy me with your love...because I'm aching with desire and loneliness.

Recently, I have realized that I have no idea what real love looks like. The song Love is Not Against the Law, by Derek Webb, really speaks to my heart on this.

“Politics or love
can make you blind or make you see;
make you a slave or make you free;
and only one does it all.

It’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most.
It’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes.
It’s learning to admit
when you’ve had a hand in setting them up
and knocking them down.

because love is not against the law.
because love is not against the law.
no, love, love, love.”

I only love those who love me. And when they don’t love me “enough” I hold on tighter. Tighter, tighter…till I choke out all real love. Till I become a slave to my own desire to be loved.

Hold me back, God. Am I finally learning to love you the most? To want you first? Am I finally learning love?

no, love, love, love.