My Womanhood: God's Intent & My Anxiety

of a childlike faith
of my honest praise
of a holy life
of my sacrifice
of my unashamed love

Whew. My brain hurts. There are just too many words in these books. And the feminism is seeping into my brain. I love it...and I hate it. I think I need to understand it better. I am beginning to see the great struggle that women have had to face just to have the same freedoms as men. This is something that I have taken very much for granted. I am writing a paper on the treatment of women in the Fourth Gospel, focusing especially on the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-42). The way that Jesus completely disregards unbiblical, cultural customs is unfathomable in its meaning. I could pontificate for hours, but I'll let you read the paper when I'm done. If you want.

My heart just cries to know God's vision is for womanhood, and all the Christian books I have read on this topic have left me so disappointed. E. Elliot has some good things to say, but I think she is down right wrong in some places. And I don't want to read any more Christian authors. I just want to know:

God, what did you intend? For surely the status quo is not it.

Speaking of things not being the way you intended them to be... what about this anxiety, Lord? There are nights I cannot see your face. I want to ask you to heal me of it, to take it away, but maybe that's not in your plan. But here it is, Lord. You know that the desire of my heart is to no longer struggle with it the way I do. Yet, God, more than that. I want to learn from it. I need you to be the one who heals my heart. I need you to be the one who lets the sunshine into my day. Let what you have to teach me be so clear. Don't let me miss it.

"Lord, you are my Prince of Peace.
But this war brings me to my knees.
See, there's a table you've prepared
and all my enemies are there.

But where my Shepherd leads,
where else can I go?
Who else fills my cup
til it overflows?"

(c.c.)

Lord, you are my Shepherd and I have no one else to turn to. Mike is there for me always and consistently puts me and my needs first. My parents comfort and console me and give me wise words that shape my thinking. My siblings make me laugh and cry with their shocking honesty and incredible discernment into my character. My friends listen even when it is inconvienent, or the 30th time I have talked about the same thing. Lord, the world heals me with its kaleidescopic foliage and fall wind that brings an early taste of snow. Lord, all these things...gifts, from you. Yet not one of them (or all of them) can take your place, Jesus. You alone can fill.

now come.

"the more I fight it, the more I love You
As my eyes widen, I have to tell You:
there's nothing like waking up,
waking up to You."

(bethany dillon)