.love of a jealous kind.

formspring.me

2010-01-27T21:01:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/annaleeduncan

Telling me to do things that can't be right.

2009-12-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

“I need peace of mind & gentle hand
as I try to change the way I am
& God forgives me when I can't
I need peace of mind & a gentle hand

or a miracle
for this broken soul
a little miracle
for this broken soul.”

(peace of mind, m.s.)

Dear Lord,

I am angry. I am angry at all these people who seem to care so much more about what You care about than I do. I don't want to slip into apathy, but I feel my dreams slipping away. I want what I want; I dream about my own goals. What do I want to do? Who do I want to become? And what I love most about life is what makes me happy...what brings me earthly pleasure.

I don't mean to say that these things are bad. I do not curse the gift simply because I don't love the Giver enough. But that's just it. I don't love the Giver enough. Change my reason for living, O Great Sabbath Breaker. Let it not be to please others or to meet human standards of “goodness” but let it be to bring You glory. Every day let these desires be restored.

Lord, revive my relationships daily. Let us love each other, to Your glory. I am tired of taking for myself. I am tired with being concerned only with what I want. I am tired of my relationships being all about what I can get.

And once again, I beg you to change me.

Thank you for your hesed and emet.

I don't deserve this.

a peace of mind
& a gentle hand.

Home Town Park.

2009-11-18T07:44:00.000-08:00

[piedmont park, georgia]

In honor of Thanksgiving, home, and familiarity...

[Home Town Park]

Samuel Green

That crow, if there were wind,

might be a kite. Daisies are only white

until the mower comes again.

That child whining for a turn

on the slide could be yours,

or could be you, enough years gone.

That old woman who slid a stone

into her pocket will take it out

and rub it when she's alone.

That dry complaint is creaking swings.

A mother laughs and pushes.

Her daughter shouts & sings.

There some boy counted the loose

change of love into a girl's hand, a ring

gathered & bent the light of stars onto grass.

There a son collapsed on the damp seat

of a bench having said good-bye

at the funeral home across the street.

Here is where a gray dog decided not to bark.

He lies beside his gray master and listens

to the town grow quiet in the coming dark.

There's always more than one way in. Come. Stay

long enough to know what brought you here,

what you leave behind, and what you take away.

Weekly favorites.

2009-11-01T14:22:00.000-08:00

1) Sleep.
2) Vintage clothes.
3) Fall.

4) Writing an intelligent paper.
5) Reading books with intelligent feminist bents.
6) Feeling smart.
7) Realizing that feeling smart doesn't matter.
8) Wallyball x 2.
9) "Girl Power!" -Dr. Steve Hunt, 10/27/2009
10) Random, laughter-filled coffee dates with Christiana.
"We look great. We should go to Dunkin', we can get free coffee."
11) Sunday's date with Mike. Celebrating a year together.
12) A new week, a new start.

So many blessings. Thank you, Lord.

Dreams from my Father

2009-10-29T20:02:00.001-07:00

This is something I wrote for my sociology class with the intention of publishing it here. I am excited for you to read it! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: even though I mention in here some of the things I disagreed with that happened at Word of Life Bible Institute in Argentina, this is in no way is meant to insinuate that I harbor any ill will towards anyone there. I am grateful to God for the experiences I had there. I do, however, fundamentally disagree with much of the doctrine that I learned and that is all I am trying to communicate. Thank you for allowing me to voice this opinion.

---

Before I picked up Dreams from My Father, I thought I knew who Barack Obama was: a suave, all-American black man whose life experiences probably weren’t very different from the average male born into middle-class, American society. I am ashamed to admit how little I knew about the president of my country. We have much to learn from an individual who has faced such great challenges.

In Dreams from My Father, Obama writes about his life with relatable and refreshing honesty. During his college years, he wrestled with his past and his future—wondering about what had shaped him and who he would become. As a young college student, I too have battled these questions, feeling the conflict between where I am and where I have come from; yet even though there are similarities between his struggle with identity and mine, there are also stark differences. Not only are his experiences unique to mine, but they are powerfully singular. His father returned to his home country (Kenya) when Barack was only two years old. While he was in elementary school, his mother (a white woman from Kansas) remarried an Indonesian Muslim and the family relocated to Indonesia.

When he was a bit older, he moved back to Hawaii where he was born and lived with his mother’s parents. He dealt with the same discrimination that other black teens did, yet he came home to a white family. He had experienced discrimination elsewhere, but his grandparents had always treated him with love and respect. Thus, when his peers would express the negativity that they had for “white folks” he related to it, while at the same time wrestled with the terminology. “Sometimes I would find myself talking to [my friends] about white folks this or white folks that, and I would suddenly remember my mother’s smile, and the words that I spoke would seem awkward and false” (Obama 81). When I read Dreams from My Father, I was struck by this inner struggle and gained a new found appreciate for Obama as an individual. The honesty with which he describes his struggle with identity is breathtaking.

As I read, I became more aware of a strong sense of personal connection to this struggle. It can be said that my childhood experiences are not as unique as President Obama's. And while this is true—more people have grown up in white, protestant families in the southeast United States in the 90s than have grown up in biracial, multi-religious families in Indonesia in the 60s-- my childhood was full of very unique experiences.

In my freshman year of high school, I went on a mission trip with my church to Buenos Aires, Argentina. I remember calling my mom on a pay phone from the airport (this was back before kids had cell phones in elementary school). “Mom,” I said as I inserted my last nickel into the phone. “I can't believe I'm doing this. All of these people have been praying about this trip for months. I just wanted to travel, Mom.” I started to cry. “What am I doing here?” She told me what she would tell me a thousand times in the next few years, “Anna, God knows what He is doing.” And He sure did. On that trip I began to find out who I was. I stopped believing in things just because my parents did and I started “loving Jesus” on my own. It was a milestone.

The next time I made that trip, I had just turned 17. I remember my dad giving me a tearful good-bye at the airport after we had lunch at Houlihan's. He said, “I can't believe I'm doing this.” And neither can I, I thought. I couldn't believe he was letting me go and spend a year at a Bible Institute in South America. I had hoped against hope that they would let me go—even though I was barely seventeen, couldn’t get a student visa or sign any of the legal documents on my own. Yet even harder than dealing with bureaucratic red-tape was being a woman at this Bible institute. If I prayed aloud in mixed company it was considered disobedient to Scripture. I was required to meet once a week with a mentor who consistently reminded me that I ought to have a “gentle and quiet spirit” (I Peter 3:4) which, according to her, meant that my outgoing and boisterous personality stood in direct violation to what the Bible had to say about my womanhood.

When I came to Gordon, my eyes were opened to a new world. I was no longer considered subordinate to others because of something I could not control (my femininity) and I was allowed to think for myself. I really struggled with my identity during that time. Having so much freedom made me think about things in a new light, and it was a kind of shock. I was a woman, and with the same value and intelligence as my male counterparts, I entered the world of Biblical scholarship. During my time at Gordon, I changed. I studied Scripture to learn whether or not homosexuality was wrong. I chose a career path (albeit a bit late). I went to counseling, was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and started taking anti-anxiety medication. I experienced a break-up. I made friends that would last a lifetime. I started dating my best friend. In the past, my identity has been centered on these things. Obama grew to understand that his race was not his sole defining characteristic. I am learning that whatever I do, or however I change, my sole, defining characteristic will remain the same. I am and will always be defined by the God in whom I hope. And now, my identity is secure.

My Womanhood: God's Intent & My Anxiety

2009-10-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

of a childlike faith
of my honest praise
of a holy life
of my sacrifice
of my unashamed love

Whew. My brain hurts. There are just too many words in these books. And the feminism is seeping into my brain. I love it...and I hate it. I think I need to understand it better. I am beginning to see the great struggle that women have had to face just to have the same freedoms as men. This is something that I have taken very much for granted. I am writing a paper on the treatment of women in the Fourth Gospel, focusing especially on the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-42). The way that Jesus completely disregards unbiblical, cultural customs is unfathomable in its meaning. I could pontificate for hours, but I'll let you read the paper when I'm done. If you want.

My heart just cries to know God's vision is for womanhood, and all the Christian books I have read on this topic have left me so disappointed. E. Elliot has some good things to say, but I think she is down right wrong in some places. And I don't want to read any more Christian authors. I just want to know:

God, what did you intend? For surely the status quo is not it.

Speaking of things not being the way you intended them to be... what about this anxiety, Lord? There are nights I cannot see your face. I want to ask you to heal me of it, to take it away, but maybe that's not in your plan. But here it is, Lord. You know that the desire of my heart is to no longer struggle with it the way I do. Yet, God, more than that. I want to learn from it. I need you to be the one who heals my heart. I need you to be the one who lets the sunshine into my day. Let what you have to teach me be so clear. Don't let me miss it.

"Lord, you are my Prince of Peace.
But this war brings me to my knees.
See, there's a table you've prepared
and all my enemies are there.

But where my Shepherd leads,
where else can I go?
Who else fills my cup
til it overflows?"

(c.c.)

Lord, you are my Shepherd and I have no one else to turn to. Mike is there for me always and consistently puts me and my needs first. My parents comfort and console me and give me wise words that shape my thinking. My siblings make me laugh and cry with their shocking honesty and incredible discernment into my character. My friends listen even when it is inconvienent, or the 30th time I have talked about the same thing. Lord, the world heals me with its kaleidescopic foliage and fall wind that brings an early taste of snow. Lord, all these things...gifts, from you. Yet not one of them (or all of them) can take your place, Jesus. You alone can fill.

now come.

"the more I fight it, the more I love You
As my eyes widen, I have to tell You:
there's nothing like waking up,
waking up to You."

(bethany dillon)

Sustainer of Life: Bread of Heaven

2009-10-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

"Seeking merely what Jesus could provide for them but not Jesus himself was not faith." (Craig S. Keener)

This is the truth about Jesus. Instead of seeking the blessings that come from being His...wouldn't it be lovely to just seek Him?

This evening, a little boy at Kids Connection (our church's Tuesday night children's ministry-- Christiana, Mike and I go) prayed:

"Dear Lord, I wish that my cousin wins his game. Amen."

As adorable and endearing as that was, I better not still be talking to God this way after having known Him this long. (This is the same little boy who, when asked, "How did God make you unique?" responded: "God made me... cute. People like me, when they see me." :))

Lord, help me.

I want to love You

for You.

Trade my love

2009-01-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

I will not sing songs when you're heavy.
I will not speak words to make it clear.
I will stay with you & all that you carry.
I would trade my love
for all your fears.

("Trade My Love" by Sandra McCracken)

1 week from today I will be in Spain. For more information please follow my travel blog.

http://anewadventurethursday.blogspot.com/

"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

(Ephesians 6:19-20)

Finally, finals.

2008-12-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

What we learned in class:
2+2=4

What is on the exam:
√2 + 2^1/3 + xy = abc

That was on the blackboard in the classroom where I took my first exam this morning. It made my morning. I memorized it because I kept looking at it when I didn't know what else to put in my answers to the 40 million essay questions that were on my counseling exam. I hated that class. And now it's finally over. I cannot wait for Thursday. Tonight I am taking another exam... going on a date with Mike and celebrating Christmas with my favorite girls (Sarah, Christiana and Genny).

I am so excited about Christmas. Tonight it will be 2 down, 3 more to go.

dream in my days

2008-11-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

“I dream in my sleep,
I dream in my days
of some sunny street not so far away,
where up in a window a curtain will sway
and you and I’ll meet down below.

You and I’ll meet down below.”

(Cold as it Gets, Patty Griffin)

Sometimes when I have to write a paper, all I can do is blog. It’s kind of funny how when I need to write about sleep-deprivation all I can do is yawn and daydream. What am I going to wear to Winterball? Oh, I love this song! I can’t believe Molly said that to me… do I really have a southern accent?

I love acoustic-flavored, twangy folk music. Patty Griffin and Sandra McCracken are perfect examples. Next time I perform, I’m singing a Patty Griffin song, and there will be a next time.

I better get back to my paper, but I just want to say that the tone of my blog this November has been so much lighter than last November’s. I praise him for those sad times... yet I'm glad to be praising him for happy ones.

P.S. My brother is amazing. http://www.myspace.com/AndersonDuncan

my anxieties.

2008-11-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend is turning into a dinosaur.

I love daisies.

2008-11-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

"People are always telling me that change is a good thing. All they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all has happened."

I heard this quote as I walked through my apartment this afternoon. Dellynne was watching that fantasticly quoteable movie, "You've Got Mail". Classic. I realized that this is how I feel about change.

But it's not true.
Change is alright.
Especially if it's a product of God's leading.
In fact... then, it is even good.

A pocket map of the undeground.

2008-11-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

And a pocket map of the underground,
because you and I both know I get turned around.
I get so lost
…without you.
[“London”, Brandon Heath]

This week has been so interesting. I can really see God working and feel Him moving in my relationships with others and with Him. Last night I was reminded how much more important the second is than anything else. He is caring for me. Evening chapel blessed me beyond belief. I have been trying so hard and God reminded me that it is unnecessary. It can even be, and has been, sinful.

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

“For it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs but on God who has mercy.” (Romans 9:16)

“With what shall I come before the Lord,and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,with calves a year old?
Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:6-8)

I am going on a date. :-) I guess I’ll have write more later.

es lo que hay.

2008-11-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

let no one else complain to me about obama.
[i seriously do not want to hear it.]
it's just as annoying as when they complain about bush. it's what we've got.
really, people. get a life.

there was no way that war-happy McCain was gonna win anyway.

what.
the. heck.
ever.

oh the poor economy. (and this i mean quite sincerely.)

Choices.

2008-10-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

I know I always let everybody down.
I know I've got a bad name in this town.
'Cause my last friend stopped calling months ago.
I know I always make you wait around.
I know the way my promises must sound.
And even though you've heard it all before,
Darling, could you listen just once more?

I've got a reputation with everyone,
but I don't want one with you.
I know you know me well enough by now,
and you're loving me as well as you know how.
but I need one more chance to let you down,
'cause no one else will give it to me now.

-"Reputation", Derek Webb

learning love.

2008-10-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

"I write about love and such.
Maybe 'cause I want it so much.
I'm not who I was."
-Brandon Heath

I'm not going to write it again. I have written: "I want to be loved, but I want God more" a hundred times. Do I? Really? I say that I want to deny myself, but every time I must I am afraid. I ache. Lord, satisfy me with your will. Satisfy me with your love...because I'm aching with desire and loneliness.

Recently, I have realized that I have no idea what real love looks like. The song Love is Not Against the Law, by Derek Webb, really speaks to my heart on this.

“Politics or love
can make you blind or make you see;
make you a slave or make you free;
and only one does it all.

It’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most.
It’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes.
It’s learning to admit
when you’ve had a hand in setting them up
and knocking them down.

because love is not against the law.
because love is not against the law.
no, love, love, love.”

I only love those who love me. And when they don’t love me “enough” I hold on tighter. Tighter, tighter…till I choke out all real love. Till I become a slave to my own desire to be loved.

Hold me back, God. Am I finally learning to love you the most? To want you first? Am I finally learning love?

no, love, love, love.

The topic of conversation

2008-09-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

"It doesn't take 6 hours. It's not like GoPo is gonna come in kick you out."

Dear Jackson...

2008-09-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

"Dear Jackson
I love you more than sunshine in february. <3
...and even more than jelly beans."

-a note I found and hoped it was for me. It wasn't. Jackson is lucky. I can't believe he left it here at my computer.

Dang. I need to write this paper.

Old and new.

2008-08-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head.
Spackled some butter over my whole grain bread.
Something tastes different,
maybe it's my tongue.
Something tastes different,
suddenly I'm not so young.

As I sit here at my computer in my kitchen at home in Atlanta, I wonder if I have forgotten how to study. Do I remember how to think? Will I be able to cook anything for myself but what I made all summer long: egg salad, pb&j, lunchables and canned soup? I'm laughing now.

I remember the old Anna. The one that at 15 decided it was time to start her real life, as if everything before had been less than reality. The one that moved away. There's a big part of that part of my personality that still swells up within me sometimes. It's the part that misses Gordon. It's the part that makes Monday seem an eternity away.

But now I'm looking the new Anna straight in the face-- she's better. She is the product of much work on God's part and much suffering (little and big) on her part. She is ...even...sometimes... good. Exactly where God wants her. Right. Now. This part beats back the counting-down-the-hours-til-Monday part and tells her to wait...and savor.

My mind is a whirlwind of scattered thoughts and really I shouldn't be thinking any of them, much less writing them down. But here I am. Well, now I'm going back to trying to study... I must prepare for New Testament. No, I'm not there yet...but that time is coming.

Life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil.

funny and lonely and small.

2008-08-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I am aware of my knees;
They’re funny and lonely and small,
And here is my family laughing in the corridor;
I don’t know who I am at all.

Sarah, welcome to the world.
Things rarely end up how you planned them to.
Sometimes you hurt the people you love.
It’s okay, we all do.

Just take the world as it comes:
all at once.
-“elevator”, weaklazyliar

Lord, I’m hurting the people I love and the world is coming at me… all at once. Why is life always like this? I’m not crazy, there are others who feel the same way. I just can’t take anything else. I just can’t handle one more thing. Yet you’ve given me grace to make it. And so I’m trying one more time. Again. (& again, & again.)

***

Lord, I’d like to be in love. I’m ready to try again now. I'm ready to know what it's like; I never have. I’m healed and it’s over… and I want to try again. I’ve never felt so… ready. Let it be for the right reasons. Add wisdom to the emotions this time. I move toward a new phase of my life (Junior year and all it entails) with the confidence that I have really tried to open my heart to your guidance. I am confident that I have made wiser descisions with my heart and mind…and I’m ready to see what You’re going to do with it. And I’m scared, too. Did I mention that?

“Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy praise.
Streams of mercy never ceasing
call for songs of loudest praise.”

***

I’m leaving for Argentina tomorrow. I couldn’t be happier about that. Thank You, Lord.

***

It's not as if I don't like you
It just makes me sad whenever I see it.
(kimya dawson)

La escencia feminina.

2008-06-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

It feels funny to be twenty. It feels...grown-up. For the first time in my life I feel like a woman. Not a girl. Not a teenager...a woman. And it's a mixed feeling. The words responsibility and purpose and cuidarme echo in my head. And so I write my thoughts into this empty space...

"I feel fine any time she's around me now
and she's around meal
'most all the time.
If I'm well you can tell she's been with me now
and she's been with me nowquite a long time."

(something in the way she moves, James Taylor.)

I want to be this girl that James Taylor talks about. I want to have a calming affect on those that I love. I want to be a support, an encouragement. Yet I am needy. I am the broken one... I am the one that needs support and encouragement. And more and more I'm realizing that I am only able to be that support and encouragement when guided with and blessed by the Spirit.

"It isn't what she's got to say
but how she thinks or where she's been."

Okay, I think a lot. I've been a lot of places. I can do this, right? I don't mean for my friends either. Something in me desires to pour myself out in an Ezer sort of way for one man. Isn't that funny? I think that I'm content. I don't feel this pressure to get married like I used to. I feel fulfilled. Or at least I have grown accustomed to the truth that I will never be completely complete untill I meet my Christ face-to-face. And oh for that completion! But I'm still lonely. I still long for someone's arms around me...for a home...even for children.

"'cause I love the way you call me baby.
& you take me the way I am."
(the way I am, ingrid michaelson)

God, am I content?
Conform me. Hazme como Tú. Lord, I don't know much, but I know I'm broken. Take any discontentment and wash it away with Your love.

And I wonder what is going to happen. I wonder what is going to happen…with everything. Where I am going and when? Why and how? But most importantly, with whom?

“I never thought I could love anyone but myself;
Now I know that I could never love anyone but you.
Make me think I won’t die alone.”

(die alone, Ingrid Michaelson)

What do You say?

“For thus says the High and Exalted One
Who lives forever, whose name is Holy,
‘I dwell on a high and holy place,
And also with the contrite and lowly of spirit
In order to revive the spirit of the lowly
And to revive the heart of the contrite.”
(Isaiah 57:15)

I belong.

2008-05-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

"Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant...
For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.
They will spring up like grass in a meadow,
like poplar trees by flowing streams.

One will say, 'I belong to the LORD ';
another will call himself by the name of Jacob;
still another will write on his hand, 'The LORD's,'
and will take the name Israel."
[Isaiah 44:1,3-5]

I do. I belong to the Lord. I don't belong to my friends. I don't belong to my family. I don't belong to my major or my job or what I might do for a career. I don't belong to my "relationship status" or my background or my GPA.

I've said this before but I was reminded of it the other night. I am determined by Christ-- defined by my Christianity-- my relationship with Christ.

Pertenezco a Jehová. Yahweh. I am Yahweh's.

Is this not enough?

the work of Grace...

2008-05-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

...that only He can do.

"O my Lord,
Let not my ministry be approved only by men,
or merely win the esteem & affections of people;
But [You] do the work of grace in their hearts,
call...seal...edify,
& command eternal blessings on their souls."
(The Valley of Vision)

I am not You, O Lord. I cannot solve my friends' problems. I cannot heal their hearts, only You can. You have the eternal blessings. Do the work of grace in their hearts.

You are acting.
I'm waiting.

Do not call conspiracy
everything that these people call conspiracy;
do not fear what they fear,
& do not dread it.
the Lord Almighty is the One you are to regard as holy,
He is the One you are to fear,
He is the One you are to dread,
& He will be a sanctuary...

I will wait for the LORD,
Who is hiding His face from the house of Jacob.
I will put my trust in him.
(Isaiah 8:12-14a, 17)

leave the vision clear for stars and sun

2008-04-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

"all ye who suffer not
more grief than ye can weep for.
that is well."

I sit down to write and all that I can muster up is a list of things I desperately want. And I sense the joy of others and am discouraged. This is all so ridiculously wrong.

What am I even saying? I have every reason to rejoice. God loves me even though I am so unfaithful, but I am so often riddled with guilt. I don't do enough. I don't try hard enough. It's a good thing this is not a performance-based-acceptance love that You offer, because I certainly could not earn it. But He loves me and surely that is enough.

Enough, & let me cry...for that will clear my vision just a little. Help me, Lord.

Thank God, bless God, all ye who suffer not
More grief than ye can weep for.
That is well--That is light grieving! lighter, none befell
Since Adam forfeited the primal lot.

Tears! What are tears?
The babe weeps in its cot,
The mother singing, at her marriage-bell
The bride weeps, and before the oracle
Of high-faned hills the poet has forgot
Such moisture on his cheeks. Thank God for grace,
Ye who weep only! If, as some have done,
Ye grope tear-blinded in a desert place
And touch but tombs,--look up I those tears will run
Soon in long rivers down the lifted face,
And leave the vision clear for stars and sun.
(E. B. Browning)

twitterpation

2008-04-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've felt so free. It probably won't last because feelings are so fleeting, but honestly, I am so thankful right now. I am definitely experiencing some difficult circumstances, but I find that my heart is really very full. Besides, God is able to handle every difficulty I face.

Yesterday we played in the sun after classes ended. I went to the gym first and then laid out in the sun. I talked to Genny & Mike and then just laid there on the blanket next to Thomas and watched Mike & Christiana play frisbee. I just soaked up the sun & it was wonderful. I haven't had so much fun in ages & there's just something about summer coming that makes me want to throw off the bothersome yoke of academia & be free! (The time will come.)

I am excited about summer, at least...a little. I thought I was going to dread it, so this comes as a welcome surprise. I will miss these people so much, but being away & home with my family will be good for all of us. It will strengthen our relationships & help us to re-energize so that we can be blessings to one another. It will help us to treasure each other even more. Yes, I am getting ready. But I am definitely not ready to leave yet!

Twitterpation. That's what all this amounts to, and I will blame all of my irrationality on this beautiful, intoxicating weather. I would like to close with some lines of Frost that are very applicable to Spring in New England. (How I love this home of mine!)

The sun was warm but the wind was chill.
You know how it is with an April day
When the sun is out and the wind is still,
You're one month on in the middle of May.
But if you so much as dare to speak,
A cloud comes over the sunlit arch,
A wind comes off a frozen peak,
And you're two months back in the middle of March.

("Two Tramps in Mudtime", Robert Frost.)

a home for the lonely.

2008-04-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

"God makes a home for the lonely;
He leads out the prisoners into prosperity." (Psalm 68:6)

Emunah.

2008-04-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

"You came in without notice
& settled all around my heart;
You took up residence in the places
that were vacant & dark.
I wish I could tell you,
but I just can't find the words."
(Springtime Indiana, S. McCracken)

I'm thinking about it. What does God require of me, really? I know He wants me to be dependant on Him. I know He wants me to be blessed by the people He has given me. But it's so hard to do both. Am I alone in this? I have always been told, "Anna, you can love people, but you don't...can't need them." But maybe I can afterall. (Has He not given?) Perhaps the key is to try not to depend on them, but to recognize that depending on them is really depending on God. For me this is radical thinking. When I depend on those that God has given me to depend on, I find that my heart is full and I say with David, "my cup runneth over." It's true, I cannot praise the faithfulness of my friends without praising the faithfulness of God.

Emunah.

So, I didn't realize that you would, but you came in and I didn't even notice. You decided to stay in the empty, darkened, broken places of my heart. In those places that I wanted to hide from, to ignore, you made your home. You settled there and brought the light of fellowship with you. (Emunah.) I want you to know how that drives me to see God's goodness. I want you to know how that compels me to adore Him. Adore Him. He is powerful and good.

Have you blessed and loved and changed me? ¡Ojalá que te podía decir!
I wish I could tell you, but I just can't find the words.

stay with me

2008-03-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

"We must lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us."
Letters to Malcolm, C.S. Lewis

Come Thou fount.

Why do I keep asking you to come when you are already here? Regardless of how I feel, you are present. You are. Honestly, it doesn't matter how I feel about you. You are. Regardless.

Lord, you see what is in me. That is all I have to lay before You. Let what ought to be in me be...eventually. :)

I love you,
because love is no feeling afterall.

Let Thy goodness like a fetter
bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
seal it for Thy courts above.

Sunday morning

2008-03-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have been a blacksmith with the tools in my hand.
With plastered eyes, I build the lie and cannot understand.
Feeding on the ashes of a deluded heart
& in the place of dust and death
I see You have gone that far.

Just as I am,
You rush in without a warning.
Didn't think you would really want to come to this place
& make it feel like a Sunday morning.

Maybe its the way Your love swells beneath my skin.
Maybe its because my senses are full again.
or maybe I'm afraid to let it run its course.

You were the first.
You'll be the last.
& like a cloud on the Chicago skyline,
these things will pass.

(Sandra McCracken)

drama queen.

2008-03-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

“…but it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs but on God who has mercy.” (Romans 9:16)

And every time I think someone is better or more spiritual than I am, I quote this verse to myself. I do not matter. He will handle it all. (Take that, Mr. Kushner!)

“Therefore, we do not lose heart, but though the outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day-by-day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (II Corinthians 4:16-18)

Brokenness = humility.
The end.

tornados

2008-03-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

Everyone has been asking me about the tornado in Atlanta. Many of y'all know that my family lives outside of the city and not where the tornado hit, so our home is fine. My mom and my sister and Ashton were in city yesterday when the tornado hit. Thankfully, they are fine, but there were a few scary moments. They are at the Georgia International Horse Park where Ava is competing in a show. Yesterday when the tornado hit, they had to get down on the ground in a stall. Mom said the wind was blowing so hard that they could hear each other. She said she thought that they weren't going to make it. The wind subsided and no one was hurt.

Thank you all for your questions and prayers! Keep praying because a lot of damage was done in the city and I know it will take a while to get her back on her feet again! Let's just keep praising God that realitively few people were hurt or killed.

just an old sweet song

2008-03-14T07:08:00.001-07:00

"...keeps Georgia on my mind."

So here I am in the Admissions Office at Gordon College in Wenham, Massachusetts. Yes, it is spring break. Yes, I am still here. This is a very different Spring Break from last year and I feel like I should be sad. I'm not really, though. This week will be over before I know it. I'm working full time today and the Monday through Thursday and there's plenty for me to do. Right now I'm just waiting for people to call so that I can transfer those calls. (I guess my summer was actually worth something.) On Friday, Mike and Sarah are coming to pick me up and take me back to Hudson for Easter weekend. We'll have some adventures and it will be a welcome break.

One thing that I do miss though... Georgia. Why? There's in nothing for me in Atlanta, really. It doesn't feel like home and I run out of things to do very quickly. I do miss my family. I miss my mother. I love talking with her on the phone and I just want to take her out for coffee. It's a funny, grown-up feeling to just want to take your mom out, but it's there. I want to sit and chat and laugh with her about education, literature and of course, men. I miss my dad and his teasing and hugs. I miss watching Columbo. I miss my brothers. Talking with Austin, snuggling with Ashton and playing piano with Andy. I miss my sister and her go-get-'em, no-nonsense personality. I miss her beautiful face. I miss dogwood trees blooming at Easter. I miss Easter dresses and white shoes. I miss the South.

I'm happy to be here and I'm happy the Lord provided work for me to do. I'm just missing things a bit.

That's all.

must you be?

2008-03-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

Talk to me.
I don’t care what you say.
But baby, talk to me.

Say you love me,
tell me so.
Oh honey, let me know.

I had never seen this play before the weekend. Christiana and I went “home to Hudson” with Sarah and Mike and Matt to their high school’s production of Bye Bye Birdie. It was so great! I laughed so much at How Lovely to be a Woman, thinking how funny (and ironic) it was that I was singing it this time last year. (Not literally, but it was definitely my philosophy of life.) I cried when Albert sang Talk to Me. My longing for romance sometimes consumes me. Why is that? What is it about it? (I don't even trust it. Not at all.)

Talk to me,
‘till I press you close to me.
Then you’ll see
we don’t have to talk
at all.

chills. oh, tell me so.

What if some where unfaithful?

2008-02-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely." (Henry Ford)

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing. Sometimes I feel like everything I'll ever do is simply two rungs below where it ought to be on the ladder. I want to comfort myself with the fact that I am loved. God loves me. My friends love me. My family loves me. None of this will change as long as I live, despite my successes or failures. As I sit here next to Hellenistic Philosophy: Introductory Readings, I want to remind myself that I can't make God love me anymore by the things that I do or any less by the things I fail to do.

But somehow, it doesn't help. I want to succeed. I want the world to know I'm worth it. I want an amazing GPA because I want my friends, faculty and others to know that I'm worth their time and effort. I want love because I want my love to know that I'm worth it and to tell me so. I want recognition because I want everyone to know, "She's worth it!" (Whatever that means!) But really, more than anything, I want someone to tell me, to convince me, that yes, Anna. You are.

What if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means! Let God be true though every one were a liar.

I was walking to Jenks today at 7:41 am. I had an 8 am exam. It was probably the hardest exam I've ever taken. I was worn out from studying and the air was biting cold. (At least no misty rain was settling on my hair and cheeks.) I had been up for an hour and a half and I was feeling as ready as I was going to feel. Every where I looked-- birds. The sound of them in the trees, on the Quad and resting on the scaffolding around the new science building. Why are they here? There are still 8 inches of snow on the ground. Maybe they missed Gordon. I know I do-- every single time that I leave. But there they were, in the little patches of brown grass showing up in spots, picking, looking for breakfast and singing. So many different kinds.

Your daddy told you,when you were a girl,
the kind of things that come to those who wait.
So give it a rest, girl.
Take a deep breath, girl.

Why can't I just be like them? Doing exactly what He wants me to do, contentedly. I want to stop wondering if I'm making a difference. I want to stop wondering if people notice me. I want to stop lusting after love, affection, attention and anything else that isn't God. I want to stop sacrificing time in which I could be talking to Him for wondering about myself.

If I'm not on the right track, Lord, please get my attention.

I don't want a career. I want a vocation. Right? Do I want what I can plan for myself or do I want the plan God has given me? It's so hard for me. I want so much all of these things. Sometimes desire overwhelms me. Yet I do want to be motivated by His calling on my life. I want to desire Him and desire to glorify Him. But ...

oh God. You know.

Ravish me with Your love, three-person God. I want to depend on You, but I am all emotions. And You know that better than anyone. So, please. Meet me as I am.

after all this

2008-02-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

you pressed my love untill it burst the seams.
i'm at a loss
(you never were)

if i let it go, can I still wish
that it could all be swallowed by a single kiss?

i do not need a reason to let it go this time.
(s. mccracken)

I long to be a wise woman.
I long to love God first and most.
I long to rule my own mind.
I long to have more permanence in my life.
I long to be known.

but "stolen love was never mine."
(I wish that it could all be swallowed by a single kiss.)

You do it, Lord. From now on, only Your plans.

"And let them know that this is Your hand;
You, LORD, have done it. " (Psalm 109:27)

too beautiful this year

2008-02-14T06:54:00.000-08:00

O World, I cannot hold thee close enough!
Thy winds, thy wide grey skies!
Thy mists that roll and rise!
World, World, I cannot get thee close enough.

Long have I known a glory in it all,
But never knew I this:

Here such a passion is as stretcheth me apart
Lord, I do fear thou’st made the world too beautiful this year;
My soul is all but out of me, — let fall
No burning leaf; prithee, let no bird call.

-------------------------------------------------

Say what you will, and scratch my heart to find
The roots of last year's roses in my breast;
I am as surely riper in my mind
As if the fruit stood in the stalls confessed.
Laugh at the unshed leaf, say what you will,
Call me in all things what I was before,
A flutterer in the wind, a woman still;
I tell you I am what I was and more.

(e.s. millay)

all my joy

2008-02-11T15:30:00.001-08:00

Dear God,
I want to find all my joy in You. The other things are nice...friendships, family, people that care about me, visiting parents, chocolate, Valentine's Day...and I thank You for them. But really, I want to find my joy in Your presence. Will You help me to love You especially when there's nothing else to be joyful about? I've been there before and not handled it that way. Lord, I know I'm incapable without You.

And I'm so thankful. Because then I can rely on You.
Help me.

Be all my joy.
Amen.

and my song shall ever be

2008-02-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

I honestly don’t understand how I could fall asleep to a thunderstorm and wake up to snow. It’s no wonder I have a terrible head-cold.

It’s one of those times when I’m writing here and thinking of a hundred things I want to say and several specific bones I want to pick, but I just have to keep silent. I have to trust that God is taking care of me and understands the things about which I am greived or angry. And He does.

"Whoever receives one child like this in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me does not receive Me, but Him who sent Me." (Mark 9:37, NASB)

My philosophy professor said yesterday that he can accept the idea that God defines what is good (Euthryphro, Plato's Dialogues) as long as he can affect God’s will by “begging” (Euthryphro’s definition for prayer). I thought about it a lot, though not enough, because I really didn’t understand what he meant. I mean, I suppose it feels good to know that I can pray and my prayers affect God. But his idea was more like, “if God does something stupid or bad, I can at least have a say in stopping it.” Do we really think ourselves so powerful? Do we really think that our ideas our better than His? And then I realized, I do. Every day I put what I want above what He wants and I idolize my own sin, dreams, desires, hopes. I put my faith in everything else…just not in Him.

And what Dr. Glenney said, that’s not how I feel at all. The hope I find in God’s sovereignty (His complete rule in defining what is good) is simply in what I know of Him. What a joy that He defines it, for then it will always be good. Always. What peace I find in believing that He is involved in everything—every aspect of my life.

I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene,
and wonder how He could love me
a sinner, condemned, unclean.
How marvelous! How wonderful
is my Savior’s love for me!

with quiet eyes

2008-02-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

I will be the gladdest thing
Under the sun!
I will touch a hundred flowers
And not pick one.

I will look at cliffs and clouds
With quiet eyes,
Watch the wind bow down the grass,
And the grass rise.
(edna st. vincent millay)

I am thinking now that the sunny day after a rainy night has a sort of calming beauty. How can I not rest when all about me is so peaceful. The wind blows my hair and the grass and I can't help but smile at the brightest colors-- blues, greens, yellows... even grey seems bright on this lovely, winter day.

I am also thinking that there is something completely wonderful about being loved and accepted. God's lovingkindness fills me with such joy. The love and acceptance that God has blessed me with at Gordon is incredible. I can't believe that people who have seen and experienced so much of my sin can love me so much. Surely this is grace.

Grace is wonderful. Sun and clouds and blue skies and wet quads are wonderful, too. I'm hungry. I think I'll go eat dinner.

[I]... with quiet eyes,
watch the wind bow down the grass.

so much so.

2008-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

I am tired, Lord.
Tired of fighting my sin nature.
Tired of messing up.
Tired of hurting people.
Tired of loneliness.

Win me over. Make my heart want You alone.

I've never wanted so much to be captured by You.
[now, let it be now]

Tired, tired, tired. So much so. I can't even tell you.

render thanks.

2008-01-17T10:12:00.000-08:00

"Hello, you.
You look fine."

Thank You, Lord.
Thank you for 2 am conversations, chocolate chip cookies, the house where I grew up, Cary Grant & Jimmy Stewart (but especially Jimmy), the dairy queen where I accepted Jesus, sweater dresses, The Black Hills of Dakota, scholarship essays...

but especially Your Word
& my Christiana.

"All heavy laden,
acquainted with sorrow,
may Christ in our marrow
carry us home.

This road that we travel,
may it be the straight and narrow.
God give us peace & grace from You."

dark steps

2008-01-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

"A little onward lend thy guiding hand
To these dark steps, a little further on;
For yonder bank hath choice of Sun or shade,
There I am wont to sit, when any chance
Relieves me from my task of servile toil."
(Samson Agonistes, Milton)

Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah.

brave

2008-01-14T05:41:00.001-08:00

welcome to the middle ground.
it's safe and sound
and untill now,
it's where I've been.

Because fear, it ties me down to everything.
But love, Your love, cuts the strings.

so long status quo,
I think I just let go.
You make me wanna be brave.

The way it always was
is no longer good enough.

You make me wanna be brave.

It is time...

2008-01-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

to forgive.

When I have betrayed Jesus everyday & cheated Him out of the love, worship, adoration, and glory that He so rightfully deserves and yet He has forgiven me, how dare I withold my love and forgiveness from others?

It is so hard to forgive. It's hard to forgive my grandparents. It's hard to forgive my present & past friends. It's hard to forgive my siblings. Some are harder to forgive than others.

But He forgave them all.

Who do I think I am?

pride&grace: stream of conciousness

2008-01-04T22:00:00.000-08:00

You know what I pride myself on? I am, what my mom describes as: "what you see is what you get." Rarely are there any pretenses with me. Rarely, when you get an email from me am I pretending. And the girl who writes this blog is really me.

I'm proud, though, because I think I'm better than the people who aren't. I don't struggle with openness... or... maybe that's better said, "I'm open. Not pretending." But I am also very sinful in many other ways.

So sinful, in fact, that recently I have realized that the idea of grace scares the living daylights out of me. I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I can try as hard as I want to and God's love for me won't increase. I don't like the fact that it's free and I can't (and didn't) do anything to deserve it. I'm not good, God is. That bothers me. Like Romans 9 says, it's a stumbling block.

"So then, it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy." (Romans 9:16)

This week I've been touched with how beautiful that really is. Yes, it's beautiful. And I'm learning to accept that with everything that is in me. You know what else? When I do accept it, I find myself desiring to please Him. If His grace is free then I am free both from sin and from the idea that the works I do are to earn His love. If I can't earn His love, then everything that I do is done to please Him-- a thank offering. And finally, it's not about me, it's about God's mercy.

"For God has shut up all in disobedience so that He may show mercy to all. Oh the depths of the riches both of the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and unfathomable His ways!" (Romans 11:32-33)

the courage & strength to bear it

2007-12-24T23:04:00.000-08:00

"Let us at all costs avoid the temptation to make our Christmas worship a withdrawal from the stress and sorrow of life into a realm of unreal beauty. It was into the real world that Christ came, into the city where there was no room for Him, and into a country where Herod, the murderer of innocents, was king. He comes to us, not to shield us from the harshness of the world but to give us the courage and strength to bear it; not to snatch us away by some miracle from the conflict of life, but to give us peace--His peace--in our hearts, by which we may be calmly steadfast while the conflict rages, and be able to bring to the torn world the healing that is peace."

throw it in the trash

2007-12-23T06:02:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired.
I said what I came to say.
I don't want to go again, just lay here and dream the world away.
You can have all that I've offered,
but I'm keeping what I must.
It's not that I don't love you;
no, it's time I do not trust.

so take a photograph,
if you're wanting this to last.
'Cause you can try the best you can,
but God knows it's about to end.

sleep that comes so easy;
faith that fights so hard.
So come to me please, Jesus.
before I waste another night my Lord.

take that photograph
throw it in the trash.
'cause I have tried the best I can
and thank God, that's about to end.

I don't know where I'm going,
but I know that You'll be there.
I don't know where I'm going,
but I know that You'll be there.
I don't know where I'm going,
but I know that You'll be there.

(photograph, andrew osenga)

forgotten

2007-12-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

But what; have you indeed forgotten all?
Ah how then is it I cannot forget?

His true love.

2007-12-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow shall be my dancing day.
I would my true love did so chance
to see the legend of my birth
to call my true love to my dance
Sing: Oh, my love! My love! My love! My love!
This have I done for my true love!

My writing hasn’t been making much sense lately. It surprises me that I am so unwilling to write down what is honestly in my head-- to make my thoughts completely public. Maybe it’s maturity. Maybe I’ve grown. Or maybe it's just fear.

This weekend, Christiana told me that she could see growth in me. I am so glad. If I have grown, I know that it has been all God & none of me. Truly there is nothing good that dwells in me…& I’m coming to grips with that. God does, however, call me to goodness. & in Christ, I am good.

"For God is working in you,
giving you the desire & the power
to do what pleases Him." (Philippians 2:13)

He is at work, but the truth is: my heart hurts.
Often & a lot. (Déjà vu.) O God, when will it end?

Yet in all this I trust Him and His purposes… often, but not always.

O Christ.
You came as baby, died as a man & you're living in me.
I stand in awe of Your grace. Help my unbelief.
Seek me out. & especially because I doubt, don't stop now.

I love Jesus…because where would I be without Him?

P.S. Christiana gave me waterproof mascara for Christmas. Hehe. Well, I needed it. :) (So thoughtful.)

me

2007-12-10T10:43:00.000-08:00

oh, goodness.

"a nice night otherwise", weaklazyliar.

tell them how:
i made a left on helen street november 17
but leave out the part where you cried
it was a nice night otherwise –
tell them how:
i took all the questions of a life,
pinned them up like laundry
left them on the line to flap and strain.
we can’t know everything.

and it's ok.

(it's not okay.)

Merry Christmas.

2007-12-04T16:04:00.001-08:00

So I’m finally saying, “Merry Christmas” to everyone I see. How could I not when snow is falling from the sky so magically? I’m not a little girl anymore…and snow doesn’t get me as excited as it used to (even though it does.) I also used to be a big fan of flirting…but not so much anymore. That’s a whole ‘nother discussion.

Did you know that snow actually sparkles?

It’s during times like these that we most need to count our blessings. Perhaps “count your blessings” is a worn-out cliché, but focusing on all that God has blessed you with instead of the “momentary, light affliction” is an ability that we have as Christians. What a blessing that He enables us to do this, for surely, we could never do it without His grace.

(Even though I’m saying this, I just feel a little hypocritical because I just got through whining to my mother about a lot of things.)

Things without which I could live but God doesn’t want me to have to: (this should go in my Ebenezer box)

1) Christiana snuggling me yesterday morning at 7 am. (It snowed! It snowed! It snowed!!)
2) Sarah saying that she had a plan for the next time I had a bad day. (It involves cookies, I know it does.)
3) Getting a lot of work done.
4) Thomas’ surprise birthday
5) The snow
6) Lavender
7) Jenny’s cheerful message :)
8) Accidentally yelling at Evan (“Evan!” “yes?” “what are you doing?” “nothing.” “come eat with us.” “ummm, okay.”)
9) Kyle visiting me (by accident) at work last night.
10) Learning some pretty sweet ballroom dancing moves & getting good.
11) Giving Steve a nickname (“Now you don’t have to dance with ‘M&Ms’!” –Dave K.)
12) Throwing snowballs at Dina
13) Watching Matt, Thomas & Mike’s dodgeball games (at the same time!) “Wear Hawk Wear! There Hawk there!”

There are so many.

See? Now I feel better.

Jesus, I’ve disbelieved the words that you have spoke to me. The promises that you made I daily say they’re lies. Forgive me.

I believe. Help thou my unbelief.

clarity

2007-11-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

by the time I recognize this moment,
this moment will be gone.
(john mayer)

I waste time fretting over the time I've wasted.
Seriously, Anna. That is dumb. Just plain dumb.

shards

2007-11-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

When the pain’s too much to bear,
you want to stop believing...
Hallelujah!
There’s nowhere else to run!
(caedmon's call)

I don't even know what to say. God's grace is so abundant and I remain amazed at the kindness He has shown me.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah! There's no where else to run.

I found the note on the table.

so much wasted in the afternoon

2007-11-19T15:17:00.000-08:00

and it won't.
and it won't,
'cause it can't.

(john mayer)

Here I am. I'm going home tomorrow. Home to my family and turkey and late night talks with my brother in my room... and all sorts of things surrounding me. God, help me. I'm so distracted. I'm distracted and I want to live in the moment but there are so many things holding me back. Can you just conquer it all for me?

Even if you don't, I'm still just glad that You listen.

"Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

opportunity for ministry

2007-11-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

(& not an opportunity to complain.)

But...I don't care, Lord. I am so done with this.

the simple life

2007-11-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

i want only this.
(the weepies)

I've decided that there are some things that (most) guys just can't understand. That must be it, right? That's got to be the explanation.

the right thing

2007-11-12T04:45:00.000-08:00

I have stolen, Lord;
let me give.

This weekend, I did the right thing. Sometimes, doing the right thing doesn't feel good, but God in His overwhelming grace showed me that it was infinitely better than doing what my flesh wanted.

Peace is good.

No more will I live in slavery to something from which Christ has set me free.
I am a generation-breaker. Just like my mom.

(Now fix me, Lord. I'm still broken.)

Take my broken offering & make it whole.
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal,
even though I've got a thousand miles to go.

regardless what I choose

2007-11-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

Tonight as I was driving home I passed a coffee shop.
You know I wrestled with the truth.
How I'd explain to you what you could never understand,
& how I'd keep my mind from you.
But that's the price I pay.
Your way is not my way.
Today's another day and it's okay.

It's not okay.

(caedmon's call)

2007-11-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

Lord, will I ever be whole? (again?)
Lord, will I ever be better?

Lord, will I ever understand You?
or be able to hear You...really?

Be near me, Jesus, please.

the artful dodger

2007-11-07T05:17:00.000-08:00

Rec-IM dodgeball is the greatest thing ever. Last night we had so much fun. Matt and Thomas and Mike and Ben came to watch me and Christiana and Sarah and our other team mates play. We lost, but it was so much fun.

Seriously. Can you guys believe I played with rec-im?

why, oh why?

2007-11-05T15:57:00.000-08:00

Hi.
There's a lot I want to say.
yet again, I can't say any of it.

-the end-

taken by a nursery rhyme

2007-11-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

Can I get up in the morning,
Put the kettle on?
Make us some coffee?
Say "hey" to the sun?
Is it enough to write a song and sing it to the birds?
They'd hear just the tune
Not understand my love for words.
But you would hear me and know.

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

I'll kiss you awake,
& we'll have time to know our neighbors all by name
And every star at night.
We'll weave our days together like waves
& particles of light.

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

(the weepies)

silence

2007-10-29T06:12:00.001-07:00

I hate having to be silent. I have so much to say, Lord, and yet none of it is appropriate material for a blog.

"Silly girl, be quiet."

The words are reverberating against the inside of my skull.
I'm not silly. I want to scream. I'm not! and then, I'll tell you what I am.

but then, I can't.

"Silly, silly, silly... sssssilly. Stupid."

lay motionless in bed

2007-10-24T19:05:00.001-07:00

"I know how you feel,
no secrets to reveal--"
--nobody knows me at all.

Have you ever had something happen and thought, "gosh, I really hate this" but then realized...
wow. this is good for me.

God why can't I love you; not even for a second? All my reasons are wrong. I'm not pretending, Lord. I can't do it. Will you fill me?

I thought of you
& where you've gone,
but the world spins madly on.

It's just You & me, Jesus.
You & me.

I've got to keep them there.

2007-10-23T06:50:00.001-07:00

all my troubles in the rearview mirror.
I've got,
I've got,
I've got,
to keep them there.

Lord, my heart is burdened.
[lift me up.]
Lord, I am broken.
[fix me.]
Lord, I am sick.
[heal me.]

But You turned me into
somebody loved.

left out in the sun

2007-10-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

Soften up my edges, Lord,
so everyone will know
that I'm on my way back home.
Shape me into something You can fill:
something real.

God knew what my heart needed.

Guys, I really don't understand what God spent the last year of my life doing. And I like to know these things. I like to look back and say, "This is what I took from it. Here's what I learned." But right now, I look back over many things and I could derive lessons that I made up myself, but I really don't know. I don't know which part was my own sin and which part was His guidance. It seems like one ought to be able to tell the difference. Doesn't it?

Jesus, I lift my eyes;
To Thee I breathe my soul’s desires.

This was an awesome Quad break. Jenny & Natalie are so wonderful. I laughed (and cried) so much. Seriously, though. Wow. God knew what my heart needed and it was both crying and laughing. I'm smiling as I write this because I'm thinking that the way God knows what I need better than I do is pretty amazing.

Soon I'll be leaving for church and I'm pondering not wearing make-up. Jenny can guess why.

"Christiana, I've decided... you don't have to come shopping with us."

"Thomas, I came back for your answer." (haha. oh my goodness)

"It's one of those places where you're totally sketched out and you're sitting there thinking, 'Why am I eating here?' and then you get the food and it's like, 'oh. yeaaahhhh. riiiiggghhtt."

I'll make a facebook album soon.

Most things true
are simple and complex.
And so it is with You.
What else should I expect?

as bad as I am: forgiveness

2007-10-17T05:18:00.000-07:00

I'm a terrible lover.
I never love You the way I should,
& every single reason's wrong.

How can I hold anything against anyone else?

I betrayed You with a little kiss.
(I thought You'd find someone better.)
& You forgave me even for this,
came to the upper room,
You dragged me from the tomb.
There is none both good and true,
& then there's You.

"Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!" (James 2:12,13)

I need Your love when the flames consume.
I need it when my heart breaks.
I need it as a still small voice
when the earth around me shakes.

try and steal this

2007-10-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

It's a mean town but I don't care.
Try and steal this--
--can't steal happiness.

There is so much I want to say, but all I can say is: I am a contradiction.
I'm in a mean town but I don't care. Because I'm starting over (II Cor 5:17).

Love for the lonely:
It's been a long time coming.
Can you hear that hopeful heart?

Today, I was walking outside in the beautiful sunshine. The cool, crisp, fall wind blew orange, yellow, red and brown leaves all around me. Deep in thought I headed to the library to try to get some work done. I made it only as far as the steps and I sat down to cry. (I've been tearing up a lot lately.) I cried hard. This time, I was crying because the world's not as it should be. I was crying because my friends are hurting. I was crying for their aching hearts. I was crying for myself. I was crying for the world. I was crying because of a documentary I watched in Spanish class today. No one else cried, but it broke my heart. (And because of that) I was crying because God's starting to open my heart to His plan. ("No more plans that I make, God. I only want Your plans. Please.") He's calling me to something and He's giving me little glimpses of it.

"I haven't forget you yet, dear," He's gently speaking to my heart.
"Lord, I want to be Your friend."
"I know, I'll use you."

I can almost hear His voice.

Got a charger, no cell phone, I can't call out,
to a sky that looks right back
& says it's never seen rain.
(the weepies)

let me learn by paradox

2007-10-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

Lord, High and Holy, Meek and Lowly,
Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to posess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
Let me find Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.

(The Valley of Vision, Bennett)

[Jenny and Natalie are coming in... (well, pretty much) four days. I can hardly wait.]

pretending

2007-10-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said I'd be on a bench and alone and I'd like it? I lied.

I'm for real, guys. No pretending. Transparent. Honest. Open.
& I don't like that either.

:) But it's okay.

"'The LORD your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf, just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the LORD your God carried you, just as a man carries his son, in all the way which you have walked until you came to this place.' " (Deut. 1:30-31)

refrescada

2007-10-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

"A generous man will prosper.
He who refreshes others, will himself be refreshed."
-Proverbs 11:25

My cold is back. (So I lie a little... ;)) Coughing and sneezing and sniffling do not make for a very nice weekend. But having friends as wonderful as mine does. Sarah made me cookies yesterday, just because. She's really delightful. I came back to the room and everything was spotless and there on my bed was a plate of hot chocolate chip cookies and a note, "You are a very special, wonderful person!" Haha. Wow. She is such a dear. There are many more stories, but it would take forever to tell. Suffice it to say, I love them. All of them. :)

I have found that my most refreshing moments this week have come when I was trying to refresh someone else. (Thus the above verse.) I think Solomon was a pretty smart guy. Overall, he was wise enough to know that God was (is) faithful.

I'm so so tired.
How are you?

when You pour out Your water.

2007-10-04T08:42:00.001-07:00

My cold is completely gone.
I am very happy about this.

The end. :)

she can laugh at the days to come

2007-10-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come."
(Proverbs 31:25)

I am learning. It seems that every day is full of new lessons and God must be preparing me for something grand. And you know what? I'm afraid of it. I don't know what God's planning and the future is so frightening sometimes.

I am not clothed with strength.
I am not clothed with dignity.
I never laugh at the days to come.

And I really want God to change this about me. I am so tired of being dissatisfied with my present state. Will I never learn to be content? Will I never rejoice in what I do have and stop worrying and fretting over what I don't?

Cambiáme, Señor. Anhelo ser virtuosa con todo mi alma.

I've got to see you again.

2007-09-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

Lines on your face
Don't bother me.
I can't help myself;
I've got to see you again.

I know that God has a plan. I know that every circumstance that I find myself in is a beautiful part of His plan. Me impresiona. Maybe I know what Paul meant when he talked about being content in every cirumstance. He certainly couldn't mean that he actually liked every circumstance he was in-- because that would be ridiculous. (To like prison? I don't think so.) But maybe what he meant was that he had learned to see the pattern that God had faithfully woven in the difficulties. Maybe he had begun to see and understand why God was doing what He was doing.

Or maybe, he had just learned to trust God with what he didn't know. And maybe I have a long way to go.

It's okay. I'm on my way. I just can't help but think that there are some things about my terrific life that I would definitely change if I could. But who's life is perfect? Mine's not. But my God is.

It's gonna be okay, baby.

circumstances

2007-09-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

"...weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, & kept wiping them with the hair of her head, & kissing His feet & anointing them with perfume." (Luke 7:38)

Lord, it is amazing to me that everything in my life is so perfectly planned by You. You want to me teach me, Your servant, dependence on You. It has never been more clear in a set of circumstances in my life.

God, it overwhelms me with Your perfect mercy. I am so glad that You are always with me. I am so excited that You are at work in me. I'm scared, but I'm ready. I'm Yours. It'll be okay.

...because Your love is better than wine.
Amen.

silver bells

2007-09-18T07:08:00.000-07:00

Children laughing, people passing
meeting smile after smile.

Christiana came into our room today and we started singing.
Is it bad that I'm already unable to wait for Christmas parties?

Hear the snow crunch,
see the kids bunch.

I like fall, I do. I'm enjoying the trees and their beautiful colors and the cold, crisp air in the mornings. I'm just one of those children that thinks Christmas gets better every year. Every year when it starts to come I start thinking maybe it'll be even better this time!

Every. single. year.

i am the woman at the well; i am the harlot

2007-09-17T05:28:00.000-07:00

My God, my God,
Why hast Thou accepted me,
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
It's a mystery of mercy.

Lord Jesus,
I am totally and completely dependent on You. And why am I afraid of that? All that You have given me is beautiful. Perfect? No way. But beautiful. I repent of my jealousy. I repent of worry. I repent of everything in me that displeases You. Help me to just rejoice.
Amen.

"But let the righteous be glad;
Let them exult before God;
Yes, let them rejoice with gladness."
(Psalm 68:3)

The only thing I need is a void that You can fill.
So I'll jump ship & run even farther in Your will.

because

2007-09-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

because...xanga is outdated. I never thought I'd be saying that, but I am. It's sad. I'm a little worried about one thing, though. The people I know that have "blogger" are much better writers than I am.

We'll see if I can handle that kind of pressure. Right now, I have a paper to write.